I am sorry if instead of coming over here to be entertained, you will find the lady of the house experiencing some “not so good” moments lately. For someone who tries to put laughter into everyone’s lives each day even when she hurts inside, for someone who opens up as much as I can, I found myself needing a good dose of much needed laughter—real, hearty laughter lately. And I have hidden MY TRUE FEELINGS behind the pictures I am posting on my page because it’s much safer that way. But I feel that although they are a part of me, they are not me; just something I do or something I have to do because … just because.
I am a bit lost and I feel like living in a world where nothing but hypocrisy exists; that everything is but a facade…and i have to be careful in dealing with everything because they might cause me to become even more lost, even more hurt , even more broken than i already am…
I have simply been myself. Can’t they see that? I have simply been doing things in the way I know how. Does it have to be pretense every time I express myself? Does anyone ever get tired of seeing only the painted front and never take a glimpse of the decaying backside? Do I have to do things halfheartedly so I won’t be misunderstood of being too arrogant?
I am not perfect nor do I claim to be one. But who is? Can anyone alive ever honestly claim perfection without sabotaging his relationship with the One and Only True Perfect Being which is God Himself? I am a human being with a lot of flaws and I am not ashamed of those flaws…the bad attitudes, the bad moods, the scars, the bulges, everything! And I don’t care about them because they are but secondary compared to what’s inside me… but I have often been misunderstood for my compassion. I have been called a show off for pointing out something that needs to be done and changed. I have been called arrogant because I feel the need to assert myself. Damn them! Do I have to hide myself inside the safe shell of indifference so I will not be affected ever again by the negative things I hear? But will my life ever find meaning if I live a life alien to me for conformity’s sake?
If I am not free to express myself, if I can not let into the light of day what I so fervently believe in, because of the fear that I am to be judged unfairly, will my world ever be the peaceful world I dream it to be? The answer, my heart tells me, is NO! A big NO!
Why should I care what negative things people say? Why should I cease being myself just so I could create a positive impression? Oh, heck! I am not in for the pretense. I am simply being myself and they have only two choices: take me or drop me off like the hot potato! And if those jerks do not like what I am doing and judge me unfairly, well, I’m beyond caring. I might get emotionally affected, but I have long ago decided never to let people’s negativity towards me affect myself and my views on life…
And in the end, it is not what people see in me or say about me when they interact with me that matters…it’s what GOD sees inside my heart. Right now, I am filled with hurts, disappointments and all those things. But I have great faith In God to know that He is allowing these things to happen to me because He has great faith in me….
These lines from s book I have read reflect what I am feeling best:
“GOD has dealt with me this way. Loving me more than any harpist loves his harp. He finds me nothing but harsh, discordant sounds. He plucks my heartstrings with torturing anguish. Tenderly leaning over me, He strikes the strings and listens. Hearing only a harsh murmur, He strikes me again. His heart bleeds for me when He anxiously waits to hear the strain, “Not my will, but yours be done.” And he will never cease from striking the strings of my heart until my humbled and disciplined soul blends with all pure and eternal harmonies of His own being…”
This feeling doesn’t last, believe me. And whenever I feel this way, I only run to the Best Friend I have known to be the most faithful throughout the ages… GOD.
He knows what caused me to feel this way, He has allowed these things to happen to me for His own Divine Plan…and all I ever have to do is to look up to Him in faith, not in understanding, because there are many things I will never understand. Only my Faith can lead me toward the answers…
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