Life’s Seasons December 11, 2008

There are times when we feel happy; when we feel that everything we have ever hoped for has finally been laid on our platter. These are times of rejoicing, my dear friend, because God, in all His generosity and love, has blessed us and has answered our prayers. Happy times are times of praising the Lord who has provided us with everything we have ever needed — and the added bonus of giving us the things we want to possess so we can live a life of comfort. But happy times are not always spiritually fruitful times. When the flood of obstacles starts to recede, the distance between the soul and its Maker becomes wider. There are moments when, too engulfed in the small victory of acquiring the “something” which took us a few years of hard work to produce, we forget to say a simple “Thank you” to the One who has given us life.

There are times when we feel sad. These are the times when a plan has not worked out according to how we thought it would. These are times when we have lost something — or someone — and we think that life just isn’t worth living anymore. These are times of accepting that sometimes, all we can ever do is look up to the Father in faith, not in understanding — for there are things we can never understand no matter how intellectually gifted we are. These are times of faithfulness, my dear friends. These are times of holding on to God’s faithfulness — or this might be God’s wake-up call to us that we have been looking too long adoringly at the things and persons which are proofs of how blessed we are instead of looking up with thankfulness and gratefulness to the One who has blessed us with all that we enjoy.

There are times of confusion…times when we feel at a loss as to where our lives are leading to; times when we have it all and yet we haven’t felt the fulfillment, the contentment, the triumph which we have expected to envelop us as we sip the wine of our success. These are times when our hearts feel the emptiness — the searching for something — or for someone we don’t know about. Could it be our souls trying to tell us it’s about time we reintroduce it to its Maker? Could it be that time when God has touched our hearts and told us, “I have been waiting for you” … and instead of looking at Him straight in the face, we look the other way instead pretending that we did not hear Him?

There are times of indifference. These are times when we just don’t care anymore; times when we are weary of all the false gold that blinds us with its fake brilliance. But aren’t times like these a time to rejoice? For it is in these times that we get to recognize what’s real from what’s not. Times of indifference are the times when we should reflect on the course our lives are leading, when we set new goals and foster new friendships.

Yes, my friend, our lives go through seasons because of a reason — GOD. The happiness fades to make way to sorrow — for can we appreciate happiness if we haven’t known how it is to be sad? The confusion … the indifference … these are seasons we should all go through because we are alive. And as we go on living the lives we have chosen to live, the cycle begins over and over again … until finally, our souls find peace in the waiting arms of its Maker.

The Entertainer December 10, 2008

I am sorry if instead of coming over here to be entertained, you will find the lady of the house experiencing some “not so good” moments lately. For someone who tries to put laughter into everyone’s lives each day even when she hurts inside, for someone who opens up as much as I can, I found myself needing a good dose of much needed laughter—real, hearty laughter lately. And I have hidden MY TRUE FEELINGS behind the pictures I am posting on my page because it’s much safer that way. But I feel that although they are a part of me, they are not me; just something I do or something I have to do because … just because.

I am a bit lost and I feel like living in a world where nothing but hypocrisy exists; that everything is but a facade…and i have to be careful in dealing with everything because they might cause me to become even more lost, even more hurt , even more broken than i already am…

I have simply been myself. Can’t they see that? I have simply been doing things in the way I know how. Does it have to be pretense every time I express myself? Does anyone ever get tired of seeing only the painted front and never take a glimpse of the decaying backside? Do I have to do things halfheartedly so I won’t be misunderstood of being too arrogant?

I am not perfect nor do I claim to be one. But who is? Can anyone alive ever honestly claim perfection without sabotaging his relationship with the One and Only True Perfect Being which is God Himself? I am a human being with a lot of flaws and I am not ashamed of those flaws…the bad attitudes, the bad moods, the scars, the bulges, everything! And I don’t care about them because they are but secondary compared to what’s inside me… but I have often been misunderstood for my compassion. I have been called a show off for pointing out something that needs to be done and changed. I have been called arrogant because I feel the need to assert myself. Damn them! Do I have to hide myself inside the safe shell of indifference so I will not be affected ever again by the negative things I hear? But will my life ever find meaning if I live a life alien to me for conformity’s sake?

If I am not free to express myself, if I can not let into the light of day what I so fervently believe in, because of the fear that I am to be judged unfairly, will my world ever be the peaceful world I dream it to be? The answer, my heart tells me, is NO! A big NO!

Why should I care what negative things people say? Why should I cease being myself just so I could create a positive impression? Oh, heck! I am not in for the pretense. I am simply being myself and they have only two choices: take me or drop me off like the hot potato! And if those jerks do not like what I am doing and judge me unfairly, well, I’m beyond caring. I might get emotionally affected, but I have long ago decided never to let people’s negativity towards me affect myself and my views on life…

And in the end, it is not what people see in me or say about me when they interact with me that matters…it’s what GOD sees inside my heart. Right now, I am filled with hurts, disappointments and all those things. But I have great faith In God to know that He is allowing these things to happen to me because He has great faith in me….

These lines from s book I have read reflect what I am feeling best:

“GOD has dealt with me this way. Loving me more than any harpist loves his harp. He finds me nothing but harsh, discordant sounds. He plucks my heartstrings with torturing anguish. Tenderly leaning over me, He strikes the strings and listens. Hearing only a harsh murmur, He strikes me again. His heart bleeds for me when He anxiously waits to hear the strain, “Not my will, but yours be done.” And he will never cease from striking the strings of my heart until my humbled and disciplined soul blends with all pure and eternal harmonies of His own being…”

This feeling doesn’t last, believe me. And whenever I feel this way, I only run to the Best Friend I have known to be the most faithful throughout the ages… GOD.

He knows what caused me to feel this way, He has allowed these things to happen to me for His own Divine Plan…and all I ever have to do is to look up to Him in faith, not in understanding, because there are many things I will never understand. Only my Faith can lead me toward the answers…

God Will Always Find Me December 10, 2008

In all humility, I have acknowledged my nothingness without the Perfect God who, from nothing, blessed me with everything. In all humility, I acknowledge my dependence on His Divine Wisdom to lead me through my days of uncertainty. In all humility, I claim that I am but a mere human who is lacking in many things. But despite my human flaws and frailties, I have realized that I am God’s unique masterpiece. I bask in the realization that I am here for a purpose, that everything happening in my life right now is for a purpose — God’s purpose. Knowing these things, I have no right to even ask why these things have been taking place in my life because everything is a part of God’s perfect plan.

I started the day with a heavy heart. This isn’t the usual me. It seems as though the years of pent-up pains and disappointment has finally caught up with me and shouting for things to finally be brought to the open. For these past two weeks, I have been doing about my chores mechanically —simply doing things because they ought to be done and yet, no joy, no satisfaction — nothing — I felt nothing afterwards; not even discontent at what I have done. I felt detached from everything. The weight in my chest tells me to be by myself — to reflect —and ultimately, to run to God and find comfort in His arms.

Each time I feel an overwhelming weight in my heart which threatens to weaken my spirit, I always choose to be by myself and read the Bible. This has been a practice of mine ever since God found me and took me back in His embrace. When I feel that things are looming over me and are ready to engulf me, I have always found comfort in the Living Words I read in the Book of Life. When I am feeling overwhelm, I no longer run to people. I open my Bible instead and most often, I am led to the verse or verses which most applies to the circumstance I am in at that precise moment. Yes, every time, God has never failed me and yet, I have failed Him too many times.

I read His words…and then I reflect. Then I cry.

I read God because I need guidance. Guidance I could only find in Jesus. If I run to people, I might only be led towards a more deadly snare. If I run to people, I might lead more unknowing innocents towards the same weight-filled heart situation I am in at the moment. If I run to people, I won’t be able to see the light which will ultimately lead me towards the truth and the justice that I am searching for.

And then, I reflect…

Each time, the tears just flow unbidden. It always feels as though God’s hands pour cleansing water on my heart and scrub it free from the impurities of anger, deceit, envy, fear, discontent and all negative things ans washed them out through the comfort of tears — through the healing comfort of tears. And then, I feel much lighter. Each time my chest heaves in hopeless sobs, it feels that God has inflated my heart so I can take in more of the hurts, more of the trials; so that each time I meet negative situations, instead of lashing out at the roadblocks that appear along my way, I might see the hand of God carrying out His plan in my life even in every negative situation that He allows to happen.

Instead of looking at things through the eyes of a believer, I have let myself be trapped and I have fallen face down — but my ever faithful God has proven His faithfulness time and time again. I haven’t been the best Christian, but He remains the Faithful God that He was and will always be through the ages.

I haven’t been through everything yet. The weight in my heart hasn’t been all cast aside. I would be lying if I tell you I am suddenly alright when just this morning, I was the picture of desperation itself. I am so much still in pain. I am still feeling so worthless and disappointed….but I have great faith in God to believe that He will lead me through it all. I believe that in this dark moment of my life, God is there carrying me towards the safety of shore.

I might feel lost and uncertain of myself and my worth as a person at certain points in my life, but if I let God reign supreme in my heart, I won’t fear I’d go astry… because no matter where my errant heart will lead me, I am CERTAIN that God’s love will always find me!

Behind the Sorrow December 10, 2008

When the sky is shaded with an ugly shadow

When light has disappeared and life’s just like the gallows

When the spirit can’t take flight like a bruised little sparrow

The LORD is there to redeem you from sorrow.

When the mind is drained and thoughts seem not to flow

When the heart is snatched of feeling and no hope remains for the morrow

When deceit and greed prevail and love has ceased to grow

The LORD is there to redeem you from sorrow

When all reasons for living are gone and the breath of life ceases to blow

When life has lost its meaning and you think it runs too slow

When your lamp of courage flickers and is about to lose its glow

May you realize that behind the sorrow, God waits to show you the rainbow…

Lord, You Have December 10, 2008

Lord, You have

Made me cry a thousand rivers

And whipped me like

An unforgivable sinner

You have sent me

Plunging like Daniel

In a lion’s den

And burned me in a furnace

Where no one’s ever been

Lord, you have

Made flames burn

Within my heart

And brought forth feelings

I want to be far apart

You have wounded me,

Tortured me

That I did not see

All those sufferings were meant

To lead me towards thee…

Lord, you have

Made for me

A meaningful life

Which ironically is full of struggle

And full of strife

You have loved me

With a love

I sometimes can’t comprehend

That I thought I traveled life

Not holding your hand

Lord, you have

Changed me

And shunned that “SELF”

Where I had shamelessly put you

On an empty shelf

You have caused me

And with trials urged me

To stand reborn

That I might feel your light

Shining each and every morn…

A realization I just wanted to share. I may not be my best with words but I can express myself best with written words…

You Love Me Just The Same December 10, 2008

Looking back, my life had been one laden with sorrow and pain, of traps and pitfalls, of tears and heartaches, of disappointments and despair. Joy and happiness were too few and far between that they seemed non-existent. Or perhaps, that was just the way I chose to look at the life I had. I might just have been too caught up in my discontent that I chose to focus on the negative things that happened instead of choosing to highlight the few episodes of joy.

God gave me my fair share of life’s loads. But my human nature chose to build mountains out of the molehills that he scattered along my path. Of course, all of us want a smooth journey as we travel this road called life but God knows better. Instead of smoothening the rough points along my life’s highway, he scattered molehill after molehill which caused me to lose focus on the purpose of the journey. The molehills overwhelmed me. I thought God was out to break me. What I did not realize was the fact that He merely wanted me to reach out to Him; for me to grasp His hane each time I stumbled so I will not fall so He can put me back on my feet again but instead of doing so, I ignored the outstretched hand and proceeded to work my way around each and every molehill and climbed past emotional and spiritual mountains on my own — believing only in my own capacity to surpass them.

I did surpass them all! I beat the odds. But where did they leave me? What was left of me after the battle was fought? I was left feeling angry and bitter at the world— even more angry at myself. I built my own shell as a fortress that would shield me from the pain and the misery. I vowed that nothing and no one could ever touch me and hurt me again. I was all alone, hurting and bitter but despite the fortress which I thought was strong enough to protect me from the world, God sent me crippling trials—one after the other. There seemed no way out. My fortress was built so strong that no ordinary human could come near too easily.

I was wallowing in pain. I was barely floating in my own ocean of helplessness and hopelessness. I had nowhere else to turn to, I had no one for I did not trust friends. I only had God to run to.

At one point in my life, just when I thought that death was much better than living a bitter life, I chose to look back , admitted my weakness and my pride and humbled myself before Him. Life, since then, had never been smoothsailing but I have changed. My view on the world and on life in general has changed. It seemed as though a dark cloud had been lifted off my being and at last, the sun’s rays can freely penetrate my spirit. My heart had been cleansed! It felt as though I was created anew! Looking back, I never felt so lighthearted than when I felt the heavy weight lifted off my being — loads of hate, anger, pride, disillusionment and all.

Looking back, my heart was so light it just seemed to fly off my chest and towards the sky in jubilation. I was finally free of the many things that made my life hell! And all because of the realization that GOD LOVES ME! God loves me! How marvelous. Though I don’t deserve it, it feels so good and comforting to know that my life is in the hands of the One who loves me best —GOD!

With awe and reverence to the Father, I write this poem:

YOU LOVE ME JUST THE SAME

Somewhere along the way

In my search for fame,

I’ve paid the price

I’ve been put to shame

When things were hard to bear

In YOU I charged all the blame

Yet, YOU went out of YOUR way for me,

YOU love me just the same

I moved on and on

Towards my greatest dream,

Of being known by many

Of tasting human acclaim

I went on and on

Playing such dangerous games

YOU never gave up on me

YOU loved me just the same.

I’m not worth it, LORD

Yet YOU’RE always there

Even when I turned away

And disgraced YOU shamelessly

YOU never gave up on me

YOU loved me more instead,

LORD, though I don’t deserve it,

YOU LOVE ME JUST THE SAME!