Never have I thought that motherhood could be sooo much… so much fun, so much frustrating, so much of so much. Yes, I am a mother… a mother of four but is not given a chance to know how it would have felt to be a mother to my other two kids.
I try to make the mood light when I talk about this. But it always breaks my heart everytime.
I am blessed with two beautiful girls; Felaine Andrea who is now 8 years old and Victoria Felice Althea who will turn 3 come November 7. I am so thankful to God for having blessed me with my two gems but my heart always longs for the kids that could have been.
Yes, I suffered 2 miscarriages. The last one was a year after Althea was born. It wasn’t so emotionally painful though because I did not get to know whether it was going to be a girl or a boy. But a part of me seems to be lost somehow… I am haunted with a lot of could’ve beens…
But my Ahmed Joseph was a lot more different. He is the piece of the puzzle that will forever be missing in my life. When I got pregnant with him, I never wanted to be pregnant. Not because I was conscious of anything but because I was suffering from toxic goiter. I was too thin, yes, too sick. I never wanted to be pregnant with him because I knew my illness and the medications I was taking would affect him. But God had other plans… I would very much like to believe that it was all God’s plan.
At 4 months, he was just the size of an 8 week embryo… yes, too small, but he held on. At four months, started to feel and notice something strange… a watery discharge. My amniotic sac was leaking. He held on still. Finally, a week before he could reach his 7 months of gestation, I was advised that he needs to be delivered because my life was at risk.
After hours of labor, I finally delivered the fragile baby boy who was so tiny yet so handsome… an exact replica of his father. His fingers fluttered as though he was proud to be finally out in the world. And then he cried… a soft mewling torn from deep inside him… sounding as though he was saying goodbye. And he did say goodbye. Twelve hours after he was born, my Ahmed died… I never even got to hold him in my arms…
I wrote this poem for him a week after my loss:
EVEN IN MY DREAMS
I felt you stir within me, a part of me
Had known how much you depended on me
In your silence you grasped my heart
And made it yours…. yes, you made it yours.
Oh, how I waited for you!
How I longed for the day when at last,
In this arms of mine, I can hold you
Like no one else ever could…
I still hear your voice crying out to my very soul
I wanted to assure myself it’s alright
And that dawn would find me holding you
The way I always dreamed to do
But you’re gone, you are but a memory
I tried to memorize your face, each faint flutter of your hands
How I want to engrave into my soul the vague memory I have of you
For you’ll remain a memory… forever.
You’re the missing part of my life, Ahmed
The lock on a chain that can never be found…
So I pray that in dreams you will not be as elusive
For I will be happy if I can see you, hold you, touch you
Even in my dreams…
Yes, my beloved, even in my dreams
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