In all humility, I have acknowledged my nothingness without the Perfect God who, from nothing, blessed me with everything. In all humility, I acknowledge my dependence on His Divine Wisdom to lead me through my days of uncertainty. In all humility, I claim that I am but a mere human who is lacking in many things. But despite my human flaws and frailties, I have realized that I am God’s unique masterpiece. I bask in the realization that I am here for a purpose, that everything happening in my life right now is for a purpose — God’s purpose. Knowing these things, I have no right to even ask why these things have been taking place in my life because everything is a part of God’s perfect plan.
I started the day with a heavy heart. This isn’t the usual me. It seems as though the years of pent-up pains and disappointment has finally caught up with me and shouting for things to finally be brought to the open. For these past two weeks, I have been doing about my chores mechanically —simply doing things because they ought to be done and yet, no joy, no satisfaction — nothing — I felt nothing afterwards; not even discontent at what I have done. I felt detached from everything. The weight in my chest tells me to be by myself — to reflect —and ultimately, to run to God and find comfort in His arms.
Each time I feel an overwhelming weight in my heart which threatens to weaken my spirit, I always choose to be by myself and read the Bible. This has been a practice of mine ever since God found me and took me back in His embrace. When I feel that things are looming over me and are ready to engulf me, I have always found comfort in the Living Words I read in the Book of Life. When I am feeling overwhelm, I no longer run to people. I open my Bible instead and most often, I am led to the verse or verses which most applies to the circumstance I am in at that precise moment. Yes, every time, God has never failed me and yet, I have failed Him too many times.
I read His words…and then I reflect. Then I cry.
I read God because I need guidance. Guidance I could only find in Jesus. If I run to people, I might only be led towards a more deadly snare. If I run to people, I might lead more unknowing innocents towards the same weight-filled heart situation I am in at the moment. If I run to people, I won’t be able to see the light which will ultimately lead me towards the truth and the justice that I am searching for.
And then, I reflect…
Each time, the tears just flow unbidden. It always feels as though God’s hands pour cleansing water on my heart and scrub it free from the impurities of anger, deceit, envy, fear, discontent and all negative things ans washed them out through the comfort of tears — through the healing comfort of tears. And then, I feel much lighter. Each time my chest heaves in hopeless sobs, it feels that God has inflated my heart so I can take in more of the hurts, more of the trials; so that each time I meet negative situations, instead of lashing out at the roadblocks that appear along my way, I might see the hand of God carrying out His plan in my life even in every negative situation that He allows to happen.
Instead of looking at things through the eyes of a believer, I have let myself be trapped and I have fallen face down — but my ever faithful God has proven His faithfulness time and time again. I haven’t been the best Christian, but He remains the Faithful God that He was and will always be through the ages.
I haven’t been through everything yet. The weight in my heart hasn’t been all cast aside. I would be lying if I tell you I am suddenly alright when just this morning, I was the picture of desperation itself. I am so much still in pain. I am still feeling so worthless and disappointed….but I have great faith in God to believe that He will lead me through it all. I believe that in this dark moment of my life, God is there carrying me towards the safety of shore.
I might feel lost and uncertain of myself and my worth as a person at certain points in my life, but if I let God reign supreme in my heart, I won’t fear I’d go astry… because no matter where my errant heart will lead me, I am CERTAIN that God’s love will always find me!
Recent Comments