Faltering Steps December 11, 2008

There are times in life when, no matter how much we claim to have matured as persons, we prove ourselves wrong over and over again. These are times when, instead of facing the odds squarely, instead of dancing to the music or swaying where the wind blows, we choose to veer towards a course that most people would find abhorrent. And no matter how much or how hard we try, these periods appear and reappear on our doorstep at times when we have already fallen into the swing of things …

Faltering steps… that’s how I would call it. But everyone does falter. Everyone gets to a point when he loses his grip on reason and acts according to his instinct instead. Instinct — this is what we have in common with the animals, but reason is what separates us and proves us higher than them. We are rational beings — that’s how books describe us, humans. And time and time again, we have proven just how rational we are.

Faltering steps…baby steps… this is what we need to take in order to bridge the gap between us. This is what we need today if we aim to bridge the gap that has grown wider and which appears unbridgeable. To dream of totally closing the gap is impossible and can be more damaging at this point because negativity needs to flow underneath until such time when love neutralizes the pain and everything that it has wrought — until that time when the bridge of friendship can once again be rebuilt.

Together we walk this land in faltering steps… and helping each other to stand upright along the way each time we fall.

It won’t be easy…

But it can be done.

I’m Sorry, Love December 10, 2008

Years ago, when my marriage was still new, I brought with me the stubborness of singlehood including the tantrums and all the blah blahs…

Naturally, my husband would complain a lot and in return, I would reason out a lot. Arguments seemed endless and there just seemed no area where we could agree upon. Hard headed as I am, I know I am not an easy woman to tame.

I still haven’t changed. I’m still hard to tame and I know I can never be tamed by anyone. I can be independent to a fault and stubborn to a fault and it had been one cause of conflict earlier in my marriage. My husband has learned to accept that. And I have learned to slow down a bit and mellow down a bit.

Sometimes though, I come to a point when I think about what would have happened if I was married with someone other than my husband. Would he be able to live with my stubborness? Would he be able to live with my independence?

This poem was written when he was still working as a seaman in Japan. I really sent him the typewritten replica of this poem enclosed with a card because I knew I had irked him many times within that short two year period of the marriage then(this was written in 1999 yet). Now, we are to celebrate our 1th wedding anniversary in April and thanks God, we have gone so far.

Some wives think that saying I’m sorry is synonymous with surrendering to her husband’s every whim. I say, it is acknowledging that I can make mistakes and therefore, can make changes in my personality which could be a hindrance for my marriage to progress. But I will not allow my husband to treat me like a doormat or to abuse me physically or emotionally or verbally. He knows me better than that. And I also know that to nag him, to threaten to leave him or to resort to shouting obscenities will not him make change him, change me or change the way things are. Instead, they would just make matters worse.

For me, it is never shameful to say:

I’M SORRY LOVE

I’m sorry, love

If I have fallen low

From your expectations

I tried, you see

But what you have always wanted

I could not seem to be

I am my own person

The person that you see

So, please love and love me

For everything I will be.

I’m sorry, love

If I have hurt you

If I have somewhat

Slashed you with my tongue

I didn’t mean anything, you see

And I took it for granted

You’ll always be there for me

No matter what

No matter where we’ll be

I pictured you always loving me

I’m sorry, love

If I am not

Your picture of perfection

If I sometimes smudge my face with lipstick

If I stumbled when I walked

Or mumbled when I talked

Please just hold me up

Each time I fall

That’s what I need from you

Most of all

I’m sorry. love

If I grabbed your pillow at night

Or accidentally swung my hands all over your face

If I rolled farther away

From your arms as we slept

Perhaps, it just felt hot

Or I never knew at all

For all I want is you close to me

From that day we met till eternity.

I’m sorry, love

If to you, I am not the ideal mother and wife

You see, I once lived

In unbearable strife

And vowed each and everyday

Never to let anyone

Come freely into my life

But I love you, you must know

Though I can’t seem to let it show.

I’m sorry, love

If I did everything wrong

… cried when we should have talked

… never tried to learn to cook

These are just two of the things, I know

Which have hurt you

More than I’ll ever know

Be patient with me

Help me to grow

As you help me become the wife and mother

That I ought to be.